For those of you have read me, comments, challenged me and helped me grow, thank you!  I absolutely love the blogging community, and have learned, grown and thought more since I joined than probably any other time in my life.  Many of you haven’t agreed with things I’ve said, and people who know me “in the real world,” who have been brave enough and have loved me enough to step up and talk to me face to face are awesome!  I’ve never shyed from a confrontation, never been afraid to say I was wrong if I really was, and am quick to apologize when I do something that is truely stupid.   So, for those souls who have read, and challenged face to face, THANKS!

For those of you who are my friends … your encouragement and comments are what keep me going.  I’ve always written … but to actually write in an atmosphere where I can get feedback, and continue the path to perfecting my style and voice … I love you guys!  It’s sad that some of you I will never stand face to face with have been more encouraging and loving than people who say they love me and yet cannot overlook their own agenda or their own fractured beliefs. 

BTW, I’ll be blogging somewhere else.  But I’d ask, if you’re my friends, not to link my new blog to yours.  I’ll be contacting you all about the address, when it’s up and going.

I’ve found out that for some sick reason, there are people in my real life that apparently get off on seeing what I say, then going behind my back to talk to other people about me.  It’s called gossip, it runs rampant in “the structure” because for some reason a lot of people there just talk about new life and can’t give control over to the God they say they believe in.  (please note:  If you’re someone who has come to me, please understand this rant has nothing to do with you!  This is for the “nameless” — or so they think — people who have a perverted idea of love and their faith). 

They decide it’s their “moral” duty or whatever to keep everyone under control and believing exactly what they do.  They talk a good game … they even put in their time ”volunteering” and their dollars in the plate.  But for them, it’s their “admission” to a club  where they can be accepted regardless (to their face) but can really live lives that aren’t any different on the inside.  They make huge assumptions (kind of what I’m doing here — but at least I have solid reasons), and they begin “fixing” things so that their life isn’t disrupted and their faith isn’t challenged.  They crazily think people in their world aren’t doing the same thing to them. Wow.  I wish they would read the book they say they pattern their lives after.  It breaks my heart.

Finally, for those of you who fell into the last catagory … congratulations.  There will be one less voice in the blogging community calling you to think about what you’re doing.  At least, as far as you know.  See, the beauty of this medium is that I may (or may not) be out here doing exactly the same thing.  Challenging, calling to truth … and now, I’ve removed the element of perceived control you have over me, you’ll never know if it’s me or not.  Everytime you come across a blog, you’ll be able to wonder –”hmmmm, is that her?”  But now, you’ll never know. 

I have been awakened to the truth of how many of you “Christians” really don’t care about me, my family, or anyone you perceive as “different.”  How many only remember the passages of the Bible that agree with what they already believe.  I read a quote yesterday from someone that said, “The question shouldn’t be what I understand about the Bible.  The question should be, what will I obey?”  Knowledge and obedience are NOT the same thing, my friends.  And I’m not really sorry if the things I’ve said have caused you to reexamine yourself.  But I am sad that you somehow can’t see past your own religious arrogance to maybe, just maybe, start living what you say you believe.

So, see you later!  As of this post, there will be no more on Lost Girl.  I’m not shutting down as of yet (I have to retrieve some of the articles to post in other places).  But there will be no new information here.  Thanks for the ride!  Hopefully, this last post will help some of you reawaken to what “real” love and concern is.  But, I seriously doubt it … apparently, God can do anything except change an unwilling heart.

http://www.extremely-sharp.com/direct/catvideo.html

Had a good day — despite being diagnosed with pneumonia again.  Went out to dinner and a movie (“Jumper”) with B., then came home and watched “Godspell” with the kids.  I am such a freakin’ hippie (yeah, I hear the collective smirk).  Planning on a good night sleep, sleeping in, and watching the boys play basketball one more time tomorrow night.

Goodnight!

    Topped off a crazy week just hanging out with some good friends last night.  Wings, surprises, and lots of laughter.  B. had a good time, too, which is a huge bonus for me. 

Found this quote today on a new site, “Vagabond” and thought it spoke to where I am right now:

“…So get out there and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains. Run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely, mysterious and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to your body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those deskbound people with their hearts in a safe deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards.”

- Edward Abbey

Enjoying life, one moment at a time.  Truly living — giving myself for those I love and those who need.  Breathing, experiencing, drinking life in.  Laughing a lot.  I think those are good goals for a simple life.  It’s where I’m at — at least for this moment.

Anyway, I recently bought my redemption from my local library (translated: paid my fines) and started borrowing movies again.  Free — the best price!  I’ve decided to make an effort to “catch up” not only in the area of “good” movies, but also see movies that I “know” but never have watched.  So much of our cultural knowledge — symbol, phrases, etc. — come from the movies.  Even history … OK, I know it’s not always totally accurate, but who knew “Seven Years in Tibet” was a true story?  Not me …

Anyway, this morning, I actually watched “Easy Rider” in its entirety.  Wow.  On so many levels, this was a ground breaking movie … from the actors who now are all in their late sixties and early seventies (can you believe Dennis Hopper is 72!), to being the first movie to really reflect “current” cultural happenings, to the cinematography on a shoestring … anyway.  Plus, it was a great motorcycle, road trip, best friends living life kind of movie (in parts, OK?)  And, the song from the Byrds, “I’m not a follower…” classic.  Plus music from Hendrix, Dylan, etc.  Movie magic, I tell ya!

Jack Nicholson has the best line in the movie.  Hopper’s character, Billy, is talking about how people are afraid of “them” (long-haired hippies).  Nicholson’s character, George, says, “They’re not afraid of you.  They are afraid of what you represent.”  He goes on to talk about how people “talk” about freedom all the time.  But when they see someone actually living free, they get scared — and dangerous.  This whole scenario plays itself out later in the scene when George is beat to death by some backwoods, racist rednecks, full of fear and hatred.

Wow.  Even in 1969, people lived lives full of talk and void of action… it’s not a modern problem? (I say sarcastically as I sit in front of the television WATCHING movies …)

So anyway, here’s to my newest “educational endeavors.”  Pass the popcorn, and stay out of the way of the screen …

It was the second conversation I had in that vein today.  The other was with my husband.  Trust me, he’s very understanding.  He’s asking questions, and I think he really is interested in how I feel.   But I still think I make him pretty uncomfortable at times.  OK, I know I do.

But what I found again today is that there’s room for me and my questions in the structure.  (Everyone who reads me says, “Duh!” together right now! ) I keep coming back to it, because it’s not like I can just walk away from it like some people can.  This is the life our family has — it’s what our family does.  It’s my husband’s calling and job, and he is content to not ask questions … to accept what has always been, giving it a renewed twist once in a while to keep it fresh and inviting to someone looking to reconnect to the structure.  When the sage said, “There’s nothing new under the sun,” he was so freakin’ right.

So, I have to stay a part of the system.  And obviously, I can’t keep asking questions, because I’m starting to piss people off.  People who “think” they’re thinking out of the box, but really, they are not.  They are so busy planning for “what’s next,” that they forget what is right now.  Kind of like “being so heavenly minded they’re no earthly good…”  Anyway.

I’m getting tired of being a “forward thinker.”  I’m tired of being disregarded, saying things that, when they come out in some book or video they’re accepted, but being demeaned and humored in the meantime.  I’m tired of fighting the current in the situation I’m in.  Because I don’t think like the crowd, I’m wrong.  I am thinking about just keeping my mouth closed, going with the flow, and living the lie.

But there’s a nagging thought in the back of my head.  Isn’t it funny that the man they say they all follow was a lot more like me than them?  But like him, I guess there’s no room in the religious structure of the day for me.  And I “know” that (in my head).  But my heart is still looking for a place to belong, I guess.  Call me crazy (again and again and again…) 

I guess it’s just never going to be there.  At least that’s what they’re telling me.

http://g2bgreen.com/the-greenest-city-on-earth

Pretty freakin’ awesome.  Also read about the “air” car, soon to be mass produced in India @ $10,000 a pop.  Runs on compressed air, just like scuba tanks.

C’mon America!  Let’s get our stuff together and get on the bandwagon for true! 

My question is, can one person — or a group of people bound to an idea that will better the world — really, truly make a difference?  I’m pretty jaded against the possibility.  Cynical probably is a better description. 

One of the kids in the class I teach (a “dreamer’s class” of helping kids think out of the box)  said, “When the people we read about in history, they probably didn’t think what they were doing or standing up for would make history.”  He’s absolutely right.  I think some people (MLK Jr., Lincoln, Washington, etc.) “knew” what they were a part of was great.  But I wonder if they really knew they would alter history?

How do we do it?  How do I do it?  I don’t want to be great, or remembered in history books.  But I do want to change the world, you know?  And everyone has and idea for my life — in fact, I recently had a friend jokingly tell me that!  So I’m not looking for suggestions from my readers (got it?).  But theoretically and practically — what do I do?

Wilberforce dedicated his life to his cause.  He sacrificed again and again for what he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was right.  What will it cost me to change the world?  Maybe it’s not even changing the world that’s the issue.  Maybe it’s simply doing the right thing.  I guess, in a small way,  that’s the path I’m already on. 

I just want to know — is it possible?  My mind is struggling to wrap itself around the possibility.  Is it possible?

A little more “wisdom” to leave with my dear readers ….

“If you don’t hear them, then just take hold of my hand ..” Jimi Hendrix.  Maybe I just hear what Jimi heard, ey?  It would be tough to stop listening, you know?

History … I’m the consummate hippy — everyone that knows me knows that.  My “dream” has always been of a community that comes together, and makes the impossible reality.  Throughout my life, I’ve “thought” I’ve come across people who feel the same way.   And they have, to some extent or another.  But usually, I find that at the end of the day, the things I think and dream are an impossibility.

It just can’t happen in the world we live — the way things are organized.  I think that we are not willing to put ourselves (myself included) in a position where we are vulnerable to each other.  “The Church” talks a good talk, but they are further than many people outside their walls in living in true commune with one another.  It’s OK for two hours a week, or a nice dinner here and there, but the reality of living life day to day to day… that’s another story.

I’m beginning to believe that the best thing we can do is do the best we can, family by family, person by person.  The thought of living in an effective, healthy community — taking care of each other like family, only bringing together different groups or families and “spreading the love” isn’t going to happen in an on-going atmosphere.  The most we can hope for is to enrich our families and live the best we can, and have good friends to cheer us on.  That’s it.  It’s good — even great, sometime.  But it isn’t what I naively held onto for so long.

And that’s all OK.  Right now, though, I’m coming to terms with my ignorance, my “pie in the sky” ideology.   I’ve been here before.  And each of these times has formed me into who I am, I know.  It still doesn’t make it any easier. 

I don’t know the future.  A good friend of mine told me a story today that pointed out “we will see” is the hope of the future.  So, excuse me while I spend a short time mourning a bit of lost innocence.  I’ll be better tomorrow.

I’ve always been very pacifistic in my leanings.  Not anti-American, OK?  My Dad was a Marine, and my brother served in Viet Nam, so don’t start misconstruing that I’m anti-soldier, anti-freedom, anti-anything that I don’t directly say.  But to be honest, I’m pretty much a “hippy” through and through, and my view on violence isn’t any different.

I’ve always sensed the deep, abiding peace that permeates our world.  Even as a young child, I can remember feeling the wind, “hearing” the things the Divine said through creation.  Whispers … not shouts of violent protest, but whispers of the possibility of peace. 

John Lennon was my favorite Beatle, not just because of the music (although the words he wrote still move anyone who will listen), but because he stood for an idea that seemed impossible — “you may say that I’m a dreamer; but I’m not the only one…” I hoped one day to join him, and began my journey there.

My heritage is partially Native American.  I find a lot of kinship there in their beliefs and the way they lived their lives.  No, we are all man and we have our “crap.”  But their perspective — the way they lived with and in the land, instead of desiring to conquer and subdue it — has always echoed in my soul.  Like many people, I was enamored with Gandhi.  Martin Luther King, Jr. stood for a society I longed for.  I began by reading about them.  Then, I taught my children about them.  Now, my heart is constantly trudging along the path of passive resistance.  I see what could be … for along time, I thought maybe it was only a vision of heaven.  Now, I think God’s intent is that it starts right here – right now.

Everything I do now is moving toward that dream.  The way I treat the land; the way I treat others.  I’m even beginning to soften in my feelings toward the corrupt religious institutions I so often rant against.  Not agreeing with them; but not letting them influence me or my decisions in their constant, violent desire for power and wealth.  And no, that’s not a slam — that’s an observation from the position of an insider for so long.

Anyway, finding the 1% is exciting for me because of where I’m at in life.  And I also don’t really care how many people tell me it’s crazy or useless or whatever.  I like the way the site puts it … violence in any form distracts from us as created beings, unique and purposed.  Whether it’s the violence of loneliness, or the violence of not providing care for someone we can.

There is a Hindu (I believe) word: “Namaste”.  It means, “The Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you.”  It’s a term that ties us all together — that uses our common humanness as a velvet cord, interconnecting us.  Another term I love (which I am soon to tattoo on me) is the Swahili word, “Unbuntu,” which states, “I am who I am because of those around me” or to me, those I share my life with. 

Other cultures war and fight, I know.  Many are much more physically violent to their members than ours  — or at least, comparable.  But for now, I hope to be an agent of peace wherever I am.  To bring love and understanding, not conquest and war.  To do what I can, where I’m at, to end the cycle and be counted as a peacemaker.  Hey, it’s an aspiration, right?  There’s no where to go but up, as I see it.

OK, now to end the violence of loneliness for my dad, and give him a call to try out those new hearing aids …