I Don’t Think There’s Room for me
Had another experience with “the structure.” Was “told,” basically, that how I think is not “appropriate” for the place I am. Maybe not in so many words, but the context came that way. Lesson learned. “Don’t make waves.”
It was the second conversation I had in that vein today. The other was with my husband. Trust me, he’s very understanding. He’s asking questions, and I think he really is interested in how I feel. But I still think I make him pretty uncomfortable at times. OK, I know I do.
But what I found again today is that there’s room for me and my questions in the structure. (Everyone who reads me says, “Duh!” together right now! ) I keep coming back to it, because it’s not like I can just walk away from it like some people can. This is the life our family has — it’s what our family does. It’s my husband’s calling and job, and he is content to not ask questions … to accept what has always been, giving it a renewed twist once in a while to keep it fresh and inviting to someone looking to reconnect to the structure. When the sage said, “There’s nothing new under the sun,” he was so freakin’ right.
So, I have to stay a part of the system. And obviously, I can’t keep asking questions, because I’m starting to piss people off. People who “think” they’re thinking out of the box, but really, they are not. They are so busy planning for “what’s next,” that they forget what is right now. Kind of like “being so heavenly minded they’re no earthly good…” Anyway.
I’m getting tired of being a “forward thinker.” I’m tired of being disregarded, saying things that, when they come out in some book or video they’re accepted, but being demeaned and humored in the meantime. I’m tired of fighting the current in the situation I’m in. Because I don’t think like the crowd, I’m wrong. I am thinking about just keeping my mouth closed, going with the flow, and living the lie.
But there’s a nagging thought in the back of my head. Isn’t it funny that the man they say they all follow was a lot more like me than them? But like him, I guess there’s no room in the religious structure of the day for me. And I “know” that (in my head). But my heart is still looking for a place to belong, I guess. Call me crazy (again and again and again…)
I guess it’s just never going to be there. At least that’s what they’re telling me.
“But what I found again today is that there’s room for me and my questions in the structure. (Everyone who reads me says, “Duh!” together right now! )” Did you mean to say that there isn’t room? Because I don’t think there ever will be…at least not where your at. I know it sucks. I really don’t know what to say, because I know this is what you have to do and be in at the moment. I just really hope that someday freedom comes the way you would like. Until then…hang in as best you can. Do as little as you can in the structure but as much as you can outside it. Ok…I can’t type things out to you…I just have to talk to you. SUCK!
They should start advertising themselves as an exclusive social club. There is nothing inclusive about what they do. Their programs have to line up with some pre-desribed doctrine that they claim is founded on scripture… the problem is, they don’t have the capacity to follow their Jesus and live the way he did. If they did, then relationships with people would not be determined on whether or not someone is signing a friendship folder, or attending their inauthentic sunday morning shows. Do they not see the wake of hurt and broken people they have left in their path all in the name of vision. Even the ones who are sincere, like yourself… are told to fall in line and stay silent. Unless you can vomit out the shit they tell you to, you don’t have a say.
My son just told me that the teacher in the class that he visited on Sunday morning, told the class that “if you don’t tell people about God, you are sinning. To do it no matter what, even if you get teased, because it’s what God wants.”
Show me that in scripture… my kids will not ever visit that shithole that tells kids so many untruths. Give me a break! You can’t stay silent about all this stuff.
I agree with Paul - some stones need to be over-turned. Doctrinally churches are way off base and whether they realize that or not there is 2 words that get them to turn their heads - religion and tradition. Fact is, most of thr stuff we see in churches is based on one or the other - I mean honestly, how much of the stuff do we see in church that even remotely looks Jewish in nature?
Religion - structure upkeep
Tradition - based in church history and doctrinal upkeep
I say hold in there and do not become silent - and try to change things slowly - since this is likely the path. You have to remember these church people think the doctrine is altogether airtight and the system (since it has been around so long) is right. However, as Paul noted, the church has made some fatal errors and is now teachings ideas merely built upon fanciful thought and not even remotely biblical.
On my blog I am starting to address some of these ideas - over the next few days - just some of the obvious errors I see with their interpretation - usually uber literal crap. I addressed idolatry (a definition they are way off on), now I am looking at the salvation calculation, and in a day or so - the ‘narrow road’. I guess I am seeing things in the Jewish view of those scriptures that were outright missed or ignored by doctrinal builders.
Oh and fight the good fight - don’t low blow like they tend to do.
Thanks, guys! I appreciate the encouragement. SVS … right now, I have to hang low. There’s too much going on inside of me to “fight” anything right now. I’m not saying forever … I don’t think. Right now, I’m just not sure.
Lostgirl,
Don’t know anything about your situation, but I can relate to some things you have said. I am a fundamentalist Baptist preachers kid, (although an old one at 50). My wife is the daughter of a fundamentalist Baptist preacher. Our whole family on both sides is of this persuasion. We live in a community full of them. I feel like a Borg from Star Trek who has escaped the collective mind but must keep silent and act as if nothing has changed to keep from being re-assimilated. I know there is no such thing as hell, but when they all find out my new agnosticism, I will be in Hell on earth, for sure.
A few questions. What confession of faith do you belong to? Has it occurred to you you might be proud? Do you participate in the religious life of the church? Why do you care if you “piss people off”? Why are you afraid to ask questions? What you are going through is nothing new. You should be thankful your husband is a pastor and you have that protection. Imagine you were a divorcée within the same parish as your ex-husband and you were the one who divorced him and that “everyone loved him and thought he was a great guy and a Christian too”. Then what? I think you have it easy compared to some other people’s situations, really I do.
Wow…I like Noogatiger’s analogy “I feel like a Borg from Star Trek who has escaped the collective mind but must keep silent and act as if nothing has changed to keep from being re-assimilated.” I can so relate to that. I also like that he is from Tennessee…it’s a sign lostgirl!!!!!! LOL!!!
Artistic … I wrote you a response, then checked out your blog before I posted. I’m glad I did. I am sorry for the choices you have made, and, while I don’t agree with some of the conclusions you’re coming to about me or my life, I feel great compassion for you. I’m not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me … and I’m not talking divorce, because I would not make that choice because of my love for my husband and my children.
As you continue your path of healing, perhaps people I know and share blog space with can help and encourage you. However, remember that things don’t usually go the way we plan. Nothing worthwhile is easy (except hot fudge sundaes!), but the journey makes us who we are. My prayers are with you.
I have come to no conclusions, but merely asked questions. I would never suggest you divorce, that thought never crossed my mind. I would suggest you participate more in the life of your church and your religion and be more of a support to your husband, but that is not my place to say. You don’t know why I divorced my husband and I am not going to tell you in public. Divorce does not mean you do not love that person. Its probably best if I not discuss this further with you and not read your blog again. I am sorry.
*But my heart is still looking for a place to belong, I guess.*
As you read earlier, my wife introduced me to the catholic church, and while I am not catholic, I at least accept their traditions more so than those of my Fundamentalist past. No, it is not ideal to my (non)belief, and yes, it is a compromise, but what in life isn’t?
I hope you can find solace in the fact that life without belief is honest, real, and at least in my case, truly peaceful. I hope that you are able to find a place in your own life where you and your husband can both find a place where you mutually belong!
artisticmisfit asks:
*Imagine you were a divorcée within the same parish as your ex-husband and you were the one who divorced him …Then what?*
Something very similar happened to my mother many years ago. During the height of the Jesus Hippie movement in the early-1970’s, she divorced my father who was truly a monster. The church treated her like garbage for not sticking by her man.
Then what?
It caused nothing but pain, grief and turmoil for the whole family that lasted many years. There are reasons that some Christians choose not to ask questions, even if they are bursting to get out. Sometimes, it just causes too much turbulence. I still keep my atheism a secret amongst most family and friends. It is not worth the effort to me - it would cause more trouble than enlightenment. Tragic, but true.
HelsSailing, I wouldn’t say the church treats me like a monster, per say. But I will say some dumb priests, and bishops, most definitely treat me like a monster. Forget them.
HIS and Artist … it’s sad that among the truly loving and good people in “the church,” there are those who let thier perceived piety blind their eyes to true love and justice. My heart cries for the broken hearts and memories — yours, and my own. Part of my “issue” is that I’m just too naive, I guess. I hear the words spoken, and somehow think the way we treat others should follow. I’m trying my hardest to be a person like that … and it’s very difficult, yet liberating.
Artist … “forget them” is what we need to do, but the pain is still there. I think (again, this is for myself) their callous hearts and my own disillusionment combine to form a poisoned drink called “organized religion.” I’ve drank of it in the past, and I’ve had to become a “tee-totaler” in that area. Now, I simply look for the good — inside or outside the walls of the church. Because, like HIS, to totally speak my thoughts and beliefs would cause “…more trouble than enlightenment.” So I only talk to those who ask questions … and really listen.
lostgirlfound, I don’t have a problem with organized religion, but with people who have a problem with organized religion! I have realized today that I am powerless in my situation, and those who thought were judging me may be powerless too. They may be married, and they may not be able to help me. Or they may disapprove of divorce, and, oh well. Too bad for them I am divorced, it’s not reflection on them.
I think the PROBLEM is that too many people are involved in their “church” (building/activities/programs) and not involved in the lives of those individuals. I think people need love, compassion and restoration, not programs or organized religion. We can get so swept up in the programs themselves that we don’t actually remember WHY we got into them in the first place. Just my two cents.
I’m glad to see a variety of opinions and experiences on here though. This is healthy, so long as we continue to write all of this in the mindset that we can learn from each other, no matter where we are on our own timelines.
And I too LOVED the Star Trek Borg reference…well played sir.