On the edge

I’ve been thinking about my spiritual journey.  See, I’m one of the masses in this generation who have kind of “woken up” to the fact that organized religion has done God a great disservice in many ways.  Still, because of my relational connections, and my family’s needs, I can’t totally walk out of “church” (a.k.a. organized religion) and never look back.

So I live in a flux of such.  I stand on the edge of what is westernized religion, and “see” how it has often been perverted and used for personal gain.  I see, like so many organizations, something that started out pure and quickly became a tool for control and influence.  A friend of mine the other night said, “They took Jesus, raped him, and then used his broken body to their own ends.”  Strong language, but pretty accurate.

I also struggle with my friends who are afraid to question anything.  I know that faith is faith — something believed, really unable to be proved.   So at its essence, it is personal and intimate.  I think it’s meant to be lived and shared with people you already have relationship with.  I use to think that people “afraid” to talk about their faith were denying God.  Not anymore.  I think they are understanding, and keeping their faith pure.

So, when questions concerning the “foundations” of the faith come up, many of them run the other way intellectually or emotionally.  Or, they resort to the, “It’s been good enough for generations, it’s good enough for me,” a similar argument, I’m sure that people used for slavery, subjection of women, and the horrors of child abuse.  Another thing I’ve heard is the ol’ “Don’t ask; don’t tell” policy.  Present yourself however — the more righteous according to those around you — and if you have “things” (issues; habits, whatever), just keep them quiet.  Being an hones person by nature, I struggle with that, too.  (Duh).

So today, after another morning drenched in “the structure,” I walked away full of questions and frustrations.  My intellect never broached, my emotions dulled, I felt critical and yet I wasn’t critisizing — I was just asking questions.  I just wondered what the heck it was all about.

I got on my bike, and rode, talking to God the entire time.  Unlike a lot of my friends, I have no problem finding God lots of other places — “everything is spiritual” has become kind of a catch phrase for me.  I wondered how long I could stand in the place I am — an outsider on the inside, knowing how to “play the game” but feeling like a religious “whore” when I don’t speak what I know.

On the edge.  Guess I should make myself comfortable, because I think I’m going to be here a while.

~ by lostgirlfound on July 9, 2007.