Black Hole

     “In recent years, astronomers have discovered that not all stars shine. There are some stars of such tremendous density that instead of radiating outwards, they only draw light in. Therefore, they have named these stars, “Black Holes.”

Fortunately, the universe has enough Black Holes already. If you have light,
shine forth.’

Right now, I don’t feel like I’m doing that very well.  I think maybe it’s the summertime heat that causes me to feel — I dunno — wandering a bit.  I feel like most of the people around me (including me) are kind of running their own agendas, and the lack of time schedule I have  makes me a bit aimless.

What I need to do is force myself to have some type of schedule, even in the summertime laze … or …

Maybe this is a time frame I’ve been given, and since I don’t usually have time to do what I want, I’m struggling with the guilt that comes with thinking about myself and my family once in a while?  I know, my head is screwed up, but I’ve been so preprogrammed to think that if I’m not meeting the needs of the entire world, I’m useless. 

I had this happen to be again yesterday.  It’s with a group my son’s involved in.  He’s made a decision (his own) to not get more involved.  Instead, he wants to invest here, locally, with people he knows.  I talked to the guy in change, and although he “said” the right things, his whole being made me feel somehow I had swung my son to  the dark side because he didn’t want to be overprogrammed and overscheduled. 

I have this friend who says he gets tired of fighting alone alll the time.  I’m there.  After a while, you don’t even know what you’re fighting for anymore.  That’s why “the system” wins.  Because it has the energy of a thousand people simply swimming with the current.  When you don’t simply go with the flow, you are fighting constantly to simply keep your head above the water.

The problem with “giving up the fight” is that a person like me just can’t.  I am hard wired to fight injustice, seek truth, and try, however futilly, to make a difference.  I think that’s why I wanted to cling to community.  But the problem is, most people even in my community aren’t willing to fight that hard.  We all fall back into the “most comfortable” patterns.  Our own agendas.  Across the board, with a very few exceptions, that’s what I see.

But me?  Even though right now I feel like I’m in a black hole, before too long something will spark me to keep fighting — even alone.  In fact, the older I get, the more comfort I find in being alone, because then there’s no second guessing what the people around you expect from you, or are going to do.  I totally see why monks cloister themselves away to “seek God.”  While I don’t think it’s right, seeing we’ve been told to care about other people, I totally see why they would want to.

So, today, I’m seeking purpose.  Even if that purpose is to do something fun with my kids.  Or, if it’s to relax is this oh, so brief moment of my life that I can do that, with no one giving me expectations.  Maybe it’s just that thing where God is waiting to tell me something, huh?

~ by lostgirlfound on June 28, 2007.